Good evening everyone. I hope this post finds you well. The Fifth Element just came on AMC, so god knows I’m well.
I want to issue a warning; the following post will be slightly off my typical path of go lucky excitement and pure positive review. It may at times delve into the negative or macabre.
I don’t consider myself to be an unappreciative person or one to complain when things are good. But I’m shocked at the power this injury, both physical and psychological aspects, to overcome all of the good that I’ve received since I broke my neck. My day-to-day life is not mine. To get up in the morning requires the assistance of a caregiver, takes 2 hours, and to the average person would be humiliating. Be it the doors I can’t open, the stairs I can’t ascend (or descend), or the fresh air I no longer have a desire to meet; the effects of my injury have evolved into a new beast entirely. In the hospital, I was ok; I even enjoyed my time there. In the hospital, its expected for one to have a medical problem. But once you leave the hospital, its assumed that you have gotten better and you can return to your normal life. Once I left the hospital, the life I encountered was far from normal. Its frustrating to be in a place that I’ve known my whole life and with which I interacted my whole life; but to see it from such a perspective (such a limited perspective). It’s like watching ….
(Here is where I’ve struggled to find a fitting analogy)
Its kind of like being handcuffed-I’m wait I’m handcuffed.
Beyond the physical restraints are the psychological effects I’m now experiencing. Again, my hospital stay had an end date; I knew when I would be discharged. For some reason, I thought that date would be the beginning of the end. In actuality, it was the beginning of the long beginning. Its that notion-the long road ahead without a map or timeline that gets me. But…..
Its not all bad. Every message, letter, text, visit, phone call, or mental image I receive reminds me I’m still alive and that I’m still me. Though it sucks pretty bad, it could always be worse. I could be fighting this alone-and without a 60” TV. For every morning that I wake up feeling blue, there are 4 afternoons or evenings spending time with my friends that make my journey less difficult. Instead of staring down this hypothetical road that I love to cite so often with all of its speed bumps and lack of Taco Bells, being with my friends or thinking about all the great times I shared with people in my life (Snowpa) elevates me beyond the road and returns me to being a regular (hilarious) dude.
Ok, now that I’ve got you guys teary eyed and depressed; I’m going to hit you with some positive action. The first is that I used my legs yesterday; I rode a fricking bike for 15 minutes with electric stimulation going into my quads and gluts. This is the first step in the process of my returning to the world of daywalkers. Its quite exciting to see my legs moving on their own, albeit if I’m not telling them to do so (picture coming soon). The thing that I find most exciting (now keep this very down low-don’t talk, don’t think, don’t even whisper about it as the slightest breeze could blow it away; but I wiggled my left ring finger a couple of days ago and continue to do so. Its hard to tell what this means because I’m no physiatrist; but it definitely means I’m getting my fingers back soon. Being that its my left ring finger, it may be the rehab equivalent of catching the bouquet at a wedding…. Ladies beware.
I apologize for being a little dark earlier in this post, but I think its important to keep it real. As always, thank you for everything. Each of you amaze me with your dedication, creativity, and hilarity. It blows my blues away.